fuckin unappreciated

6 golds, 3 silvers, and 1 bronze, and the undefeated team record... thats how much i brought in this year for the team. thats how hard a worked to get that mvp award. and fuck it... it goes to a sophomore. ok, i dont have anything against him cause hes a good shooter. but damn it couldnt it have waited til next year. this was my senior year... this was supposed to be my year. this was supposed to be my time under the spotlight.

i dont like to brag but, who is the one talked about in the competitions.?... who has a shooting record that cant be beaten by the rest of the team?... who is the only one from the rifle team to make it to the top 3 of every frikin competition? who is the only one with the knowledge to clean and calibrate the rifles to their top performance on the spot? who cleans the range every morning despite having allergies to dust? ME! i frikin beat those who have been training for weeks while i didnt at all. lets see what happens in the following competitions... specially the one against malaysia. nothing against my teammates... i love those guys but who from the team are going to go up against them. lets see what happens if the men's rifle team doesnt take home anything. lets see how messed up and unorganized the range can get. lets see how fouled up the guns can get. 

for four years i tried to prove that i deserved the mvp award, for four years i was turned down. i accepted the previous years being that they were really better than me... but this year it goes to an amature. all that hard work just for target paper... i could buy that on my own. how bout a little appreciation for my hard work? i dont see how thats fair. 

im sorry to come out as really bitter and a sore loser... but thats how a really feel.    

this is what she said

i tried calling but she didnt want to answer. so ym had to do. at least we got somewhere

j_u: ive been thinking about what you said
j_u: ican understand that you want to be just friends and thats ok with me
j_u: i just wanted to know why you said it?
j_u: i think it would make our friendship better if we get this out of the way
j_u: was it really because your not ready for a relationship or is there somthing about me that you didnt like?
j_u: i just need some feedback... constuctive criticism:))
k_a: coz it would be better that way..? i dont know.. i cant explain thoroughly why we are better off as friends e... parang i just know it.. u know the feeling na u cant explain in words.. ganun.. sori..
k_a: hahahahah:))
j_u: well, ok
k_a: psych ba yan? :))
j_u: kinda
j_u: hehehe
j_u: just help me out nalang...
j_u: what were my good points and what were my bad
j_u: so i can improve on them:D
j_u: dont be shy
k_a: ha.... ayoko ng ganto.. hahaha :))
j_u: would you rather in person?
k_a: and besides, i dont think i know u well enough to answer those questions... :)
j_u: dont be afraid... i wont take it against you
j_u: it that why you feel na hindi pwede?
j_u: that you dont know me well enough?
k_a: partly..
k_a: shempre hindi lang yun
j_u: did i strike you in anyway in all those times na lumabas tayo?
k_a: strike in what way?
k_a: :))
j_u: you didnt see anything good or bad all those times that we went out?
j_u: or all the times we were together?
k_a: shempre there were good things... of course.
j_u: like?
k_a: maalaga...
k_a: like in tryst when u said to wait for u to open the door..i think madami kasing tao nun.. i think. :))
j_u: that want so hard, was it?
j_u: what else?
j_u: how about the bad things?
k_a: still... small things like that matter
k_a: wala naman akong maisip na bad things...
k_a: hahahahaha
j_u: oh... your just being kind:))
j_u: really there has to be something?
k_a: hindi lang tlga tayo click as more than friends... that's just it.. :)
j_u: do you think, given more time, may possiblity kaya?
j_u: im not trying to force myself onto you
j_u: i think that you could help me by telling me these things
k_a: 1st of all... im not into the whole relationship thing naman... so dun pa lang, wala na e.. u cant expect anything from me if more than friends is what u want... mas masaya ang single! no complications. hahaha :))
k_a: just be yourself... :D dont think something is wrong w/ u..
j_u: hmm...
j_u: if the time came that you were ready to enter into a relationship, would you give me a shot?
k_a: wala namang sure sa mundo e.. hahaha. pero... ewan ko.. both of us would have changed by that time
k_a: :))
j_u: well, who knows?
j_u: :D
k_a: 8-}
k_a: wag mo na isipin yun... malabo yun
k_a: matagal pa yun
j_u: how about how i look? what do you think. please be honest. hahahaha:))
k_a: i might even be in the states by then
k_a: :))
j_u: i see... type mo pala mga white boy:))
k_a: hahahahhaha:))
k_a: the thing is... hindi ako nagkakacrush na madami.. i mean rarely lang
k_a: weird yata ako e
k_a: abnormal? :))
j_u: nyek
j_u: come on...:D
j_u: tell me
k_a: ano?
k_a: hahahahahha
k_a: looks naman is depende sa tao e... kanya-kanyang preference.. and shallow lang ang looks
j_u: im asking your opinion:P
k_a: :|
k_a: may aura na mayabang/maangas....?
k_a: yun lang masasabi ko
k_a: hahahahaha!
j_u: so bad boy?
k_a: 1st impression
k_a: cgro
j_u: but was i ever like that, mayabang and maangas?
j_u: i dont really get to watch how i act
k_a: cgro sa iba it may come off like that... ewan ko lang...
j_u: i guess i have to improve on that...
j_u: what else should i work on?:D
k_a: do it your way...? i mean if hindi mo naman trip yung isang bagay, dont do it or something just for the sake of not being left behind.. hindi ko opinion tlga yan ah... hahaha :))
k_a: yun lang'
k_a: that's it :D
j_u: well, if you think of anything, let me know
j_u: im glad we had this talk
k_a: yun lang.. yun lang talaga :D
k_a: nasabi ko na
k_a: hehe
j_u: i hope you didnt feel too uncomfortable talking to me about these things
k_a: sori if i was kinda harsh in saying these
k_a: ahhaha
k_a: u asked for it e............
j_u: thanks for being a true friend
k_a: any time any time :)

here we go again

i almost gave up before but i gave it another chance. i took the risk and got shot down. i really thought that you might be the one this time, i guess not. you might not be ready to enter into a relationship yet, but maybe in time, you will. and when that time comes, i want to be the one there for you.
i cant say that im alright, in fact, i feel terrible, and its been like that the entire day. however, for some reason, its not as devastating as the other times before. i think you handled the situation maturely and i thank you for that.
i cant give up that easily...

some songs i can relate with

i stand alone
godsmack

Ive told you this once before cant control me
If you try to take me down youre gonna break
I feel your having nothing that youre doing for me
Im thinkin you are a fake, you are that way
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Youre always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what you dont think that we cant see your face
Resurrecting back before the final fallen
Ill never rest until I can make my own way
Im not afraid of fading
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
Im not tired forever
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Now its my time
Its my time to dream
Dream of the sky
Make me believe that this place isnt made by the poison in me
Help me decide if my fire will burn out before you can breathe
Breathe into me
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
Im not tired forever
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Inside I stand alone inside



cat and mouse
red jumpsuit apparatus

Softly we tremble tonight
Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight
I said I'd never leave
you'll never change
I'm not satisfied with where
I'm at in life

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
You said,
you said that you would die
for me...

We made plans to grow old
Believe me there was truth in
all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game
Cat and mouse are we the same People
as before this came
to light?

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
[Cat and Mouse lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
You said,
you said that you would die
for me...

You must live for me too...
For me too...
yeah, yeah...

You said that you would die
for me...

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
You said,
you said that you would die
for me...


You said that you would die
for me...



stop and stare
onerepublic

This town is cooler now
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move
I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make on elast appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
[Stop & Stare lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Untie the weight tags I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now,
I'm gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see.

it happened again

exactly one year ago, i felt this way. the same thing happened (read the post jan 30, 2006) i will not make the same mistake again. the signs are there already. i'm letting go before its too late.

i really hoped that it would be you

huwhat again!!

the thing that you asked for was a privilege that you lost. the rules were bent because i am a good person. dont start to think that this will happen often.

huwhat?!!

wait wait wait... hold on a minute. your not off the hook yet. just because i have opened the gate doesnt make it alright. its only because its just not worth the effort and it was only part of my responsibilities. you've still got a long way to go before you can come back in.